I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
