Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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