We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
