You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
