i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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