I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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