I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize