Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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