I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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