I look better un-naked...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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