I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
