i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
