i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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