I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize