drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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