he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
