im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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