I think I am morally bankrupt
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
