i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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