Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
