Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
