Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
