I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
