Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
