so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
