i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
