i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
