I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
