i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
