So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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