boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
