Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
