found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize