how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
