This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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