Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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