the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
