My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
