This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
