Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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