You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
