Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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