3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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