There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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