saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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