He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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