I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ttyl tear gas
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
