Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
