I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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