Dude my mom stole all your condoms
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
