you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
