dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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