I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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