I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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