Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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