just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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