Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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