So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
babies were throwing up all over the place
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize