I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
