Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
