Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
