Jerry, you need to find god
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
