Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize