I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
