Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
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