So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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