i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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