i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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