her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize