Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
