Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
