1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
